Homeschooling and Identity

April 6, 2020

by Missy Andrews

From the moment we are old enough to be self-aware, we are on a quest to discover who we are. This search for identity is complicated by the many, disparate voices around us, but what they all have in common is a fundamental presupposition that identity is created – that we, as human beings, make ourselves.

Aristotle gets credit for saying something of this sort initially. He said that we are what we do continually, which I think explains a lot of the psychological angst associated with our self-concepts. If identity is self-created, then there’s plenty to be anxious about, right? I mean, we can do it right or wrong – to become successful or unsuccessful people. We can choose the right vocation or the wrong vocation. Wear the right or wrong things. Live in the right or wrong place. Drive the right or wrong car. If identity is created, then life is about assembling, adapting, collecting, posturing, and posing. It is an endless work of self-creation. And no part of our lives is free from the effects of the self-creation project.

The work of becoming extends itself into every arena of our lives. We don’t leave it at the office because identity extends beyond vocation to relationships. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a friend, a mother. And each of these relationships has the potential to name me as well. I can be a good daughter or a bad one, a good wife or a bad wife, a good friend or a bad friend, a good mom or a bad mom.

The identity quest is pervasive, extending into everything we do, which is why I bring this up in the light of education and homeschooling. If identity is created, then education is more than merely facilitating the learning process. Learning itself in this paradigm is not about discovery, but about becoming. This idea casts the teacher as not a guide, but a craftsman. I think that’s how many think about teaching; the teacher is co-creator, working alongside you to make you who you are.

This fundamental assumption, that identity is created, sets the stage for a lot of trouble in homeschooling – it’s a setup for mom and junior. It charges the activity of homeschooling with a kind of metaphysical angst. Everything you do in the homeschooling project has the power to make or to break you, right? I mean, what if you do it wrong? Not only does your kid turn out wrong, but you do too. If he gets an F, you get an F. Conversely, if he gets an A, then you get an A. Your identities are all bound up together. Ahh! Scary! And homeschooling happens in your home, too, so you can’t get away from it. If something goes wrong, then there’s no one to blame – but junior and you!

You see, if identity is created, then homeschooling (like everything else in life) is suddenly a terrifying proposition. You can do it wrong. Not only that, but you probably will, right? I mean, in the quiet of our own hearts, we suspect that despite all of our best efforts, we aren’t really quite good enough. No matter how hard we work or try, we always do something to mess it all up. The word on the street is that we aren’t perfect, which is a positive way of saying a negative thing: that we are sinful, fallen, and depraved, and that this depravity and failure touches everything we are and everything we do, even our best efforts. It’s funny – we can see this in everyone else, but we work hard to hide it from ourselves and from one another. Why? Because if you knew my failure and sin, then you’d know I’m not enough. That failure names me. Remember we are what we do, right?

But what if we’ve got it wrong? What if identity isn’t created, but received? Consider: You didn’t create yourself but received your life as a gift. You received a name from your parents and your family members. You received a place in your community. Now for some of us, that maybe wasn’t a good thing. Maybe our experience in our families was in some way scarring, and our attempts to create ourselves are charged because of this experience with a desire to be better, rise above. But it’s really hard to overcome these things, because identity is received. In fact, the only way to really overcome them is to know that there is a deeper identity that presupposes all of these – to learn that we have a name that predates all of our other names, and that it comes from a better Father than the one who bears that office for us here on earth.

We are really important to Him. So important, in fact, that He has made it His object to declare Himself to us not only so that we can know Him, but so that we can know ourselves. This means that identity is not only received, but it is discovered. And the discovery is a liberating one. We are created in His image. We are loved with His everlasting love. We are the objects of His provision and devotion. We are the bearers of His name. We have been made acceptable.

Once we have discovered this better, more fundamental identity, rooted in eternity and established by God’s work, our own work ceases to name us. Instead it becomes an expression of identity – an activity, rather than a god. Suddenly, everything finds its rightful place: the work that we do, the relationships that we have, the possessions we accumulate. These are suddenly understood not as gods but as gifts.

And homeschooling is one of these gifts. It is not the process of creating a child, but rather the process of helping that child discover who he was created to be, and the teacher a trustworthy guide and co-learner. Home ought to be the safest place to make these discoveries (good and bad) – a place where we are both known and loved.

When we have as our foundation the love of God in Christ Jesus, the work we do as educators is not for place, but from place, and that place cannot be shaken by our activities. The knowledge of our identity, fixed in the finished work of Christ Jesus, gets us off the hamster wheel. It is the end of striving. It takes the angst out of our activities. It is the beginning of joy and rest. It lets us try something new. It tells us that we can’t lose, and our kids can’t either. It allows us to admit when we need help and seek it from others, who, like us, were created and named and given to the community as gifts. It allows us to recognize these gifts and call them out of one another, thus giving one another place. Can you see how beautiful life and learning become when understood through the naming love and grace of God? Homeschooling from grace produces rest.

This post is adapted from a lecture given on March 23, 2020. To explore more thoughts on this subject, check out Missy’s forthcoming memoir, My Divine Comedy.